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Elliot; that is all I am's LiveJournal:
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| Sunday, December 6th, 2009 | | 11:47 pm |
and we're losing our minds one sane moment at a time that we'll never find again breaking glass walls in your head | | Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009 | | 11:54 pm |
10 hours of experiments. 3 different projects. I don't go to class, because I don't care. Mostly, HAHA! I don't care. But still I will work in your laboratory. Because I am a scientist and science is what I do. It is an identity thing. It is. Craigslist meeting people. What is up with that? Is that desperate? Is it really so hard to find human beings like me here? What is up with that? When I arrived I was on top of the world, I talked to anybody about anything because I could. Now? CONFIDENCE DESTROYED. Why the fuck did I let that happen to myself? I am going to stop dwelling. You know what. Make your fucking mistakes, past. Hey past, make your fucking mistakes. Me? I am going to let it happen and just let it happen. I am going to just start saying "fuck you" to nostalgia and melancholy. Because me? I am quite fed up with it. Past, you have fucked me over quite a bit lately. I will probably never forgive you. But, again. I am going to let it happen and just let it happen. Make your fucking mistakes. Past, I was the best thing that ever happened to you! All of you in the past. I am the reason you are who you are! DON'T YOU FUCKING SEE THAT. It is beautiful, really. Beautiful, who you are, past. I am not just talking about you either you vain vanity vaniter. Not you. I am talking about all of you, past. Well, maybe not all of you. I mean. It is hard to explain really. But I am not talking about YOU. I don't want to isolate any specific entity because that would be allowing the past to get me. Like I said, I am done dwelling. One last thing to say: I was the best thing that happened to you, past. I am the reason you are what you are now. Love it. There. It's done. GOODBYE PAST Mania is my best compadre lately. It makes me laugh randomly walking around. I randomly take out my Chinese flute and play a note wherever I am. "YOU ARE FUNNY" she says. I say, oh okay. Then I play my Chinese flute. YOU THINK I AM SANE IN ITHACA? HOLY FUCKING NO. It is driving me to want to drive far far away. Oh wait, I am! I am driving all the way back to Florida. Not alone. I have friends with me. FRIENDS FROM THE PAST. OH MY GOD. But no. These friends exist now. These friends seem to exist in the now. Or they will be, when then is now but now is not quite then but when it is oh my god now will be now and then I will have friends. Right now, I am mostly without them. Friends, I mean. It is okay. But it drives someone crazy. Imagine going everywhere in a tiny little town and seeing NO FRIENDS. HOLY SHIT. It will perhaps make you a maniac. You know? You might end up walking the fuck around playing a Chinese flute after doing science for fucking 10 hours. SCIENCE IS ALL THE SAME. Centrifuge, mix, discard, incubate, incubate, incubate, centrifuge, mix, discard, run on gel, cut out band, dissolve gel, mix, centrifuge, discard, incubate, freeze for next time. YAY! I am one step away from doing what Yama says. Yes. Yama. FROM THE PAST. OH MY GOD. This friend seems to exist now. Maybe. Maybe? Maybe? Maybe? Yama tells me to fucking uproot and move in with her in San Diego. Maybe I should? Why not? I am a trained fucking scientist. I can get 10000s of jobs. I can be a bum. I can steal. I can rob. I can do whatever. But this situation leads to mania. ROUGH IT OUT another past friend says. I agree. I should rough it out. But I have been in an entire semester of rationality. Yes. Rationality. I am always Mr. Negative rational. Yes. I am going to state my character flaws. Thanks. Character flaws: Negative. (x10) Clingy. Angsty. Overindulgent. Underachieving. Arrogant. Inconsiderate. (x10) Selfish. Egotistical as fuck. Liking your own character flaws (see below). Please feel free to list more. I really enjoyed that. It was fun. You should do it. You should admit your character flaws. I like mine a lot. I believe that is a character flaw, liking your character flaws. Sweet. I am going to add that now. HA HA HA. Wow I changed the past. Just like that. This is supposed to read temporally. What's up with that? Time? Whatever, dude. I am going to run away to San Diego and live with some girl I have not seen in like 3 years. Why? Because I am a fucking irrational maniac. Thanks past. Thanks Ithaca. I am going to keep this entry public. My reputation will be ruined! Future employer: "Let's do an in depth google search of this fellow... My, what the fuck, he is fucking insane! What fucking drugs is he on?" Great!Great!Great! Great! Cool. Goodbye! | | Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 | | 5:25 pm |
Got to admit it's getting better. | | Saturday, November 28th, 2009 | | 6:59 pm |
| | Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 | | 1:27 am |
Substance abuse is an excuse to use the confidence you reserved all day as an introvert Controverted to all things averted from... me Egotistically I fall down low low low low ever so low Finally today, I worshipped the moments that went by without my thoughts about you Instantly I was reminded, depressed, resisted, saddened... Don't you understand? How could you be so free without me? I am so fucking lost and its costing me so much. I picture you happy with another and it kills me every single time. I thought my karma was served before, but I was wrong. The torment and sufffering I see now every day is more than enough to undo the suffering I caused you. I was so immature and now I am sure that all I endure is due to my impure act. All I want is to be with you or see you or hear you or touch you and oh my god HOLD YOU. It has been hell dreaming of you and waking up alone and again, this matters nothing to you. This matters nothing to you, because finally you are free from agony and disrespect. I hate myself every day for all the mistakes I made disrespecting you. I hate myself every day. I could do everything I can and nothing could stand to make the change I just wish would... change. I love you so much, I miss you so much, I need you so much, without you I'm so fucking lost. Again again again again I love you so much, I miss you so much, I need you so much, without you I'm so fucking lost. Everything everything reminds me of everything you ever were to me everything I see. Everything everything remidns me of everything you ever were to me everything I see. The one song I wrote about you I perfect it every day, one day you will hear it, one day you won't care. One day. One day. Soon. Soon. Too soon. I won't be able to take it. | | Sunday, November 22nd, 2009 | | 8:00 pm |
So low So low So low So low So low So low So low | | 4:24 pm |
Then I pushed you up against a drunken wall. I kiss hard, passionately, good. Easily, kissing you is something I know. "Bad news bad news bad news" Then the questions come about another. Not about me. About your lust. Your eyes defy you at every turn. You like what you see. Why do you stare at me? My periphery catches you constantly. Then, as the story goes, I drive you home. Words not said. Touches not shared. I open a door to let you out. Then I pushed you up against my car. I kiss harder, more passionately, better. Easily, kissing you well is something I know, well. This lasts longer. This one's better. "Why are you such a shallow bitch?" "I don't know I don't know I don't know" The passion accelerates. Passion passion passion. Then separation occurs. "I don't know what I'm doing." "I like you. But usually I fucking hate you" "I know" No more words. Then separation occurs. | | Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 | | 6:48 pm |
One molecule removes a molecule from another molecule. Happiness erupts. Ionize them! Results abound! Happiness erupts. Followups are unknown. The rate, the rate, the rate? Wait. Columns are yet to be delivered. Watch me! I will show you. Experiment. I am a scientist, and I therefore do science. Experiment. I like to throw random molecules together and see what happens. Ionize them! Results abound! There is a big white box. Inside it, science happens. Magic happens. Mystery happens. Happiness erupts. | | Sunday, November 15th, 2009 | | 10:20 pm |
And the grass was green. then the world, it blew us away. Me? I went northeast. Fountains sprang in every direction. My eyes? They were the head. My head? My head? If only I could break it open. A closed head gets so full ever so quickly. It tries to burst almost every day. I encourage it. I do. Nothing happens. Fuller and fuller. A strained heart and a full head leads to a liver in distress. Good nights are good because the next morning is bad. Lungs? They get blacker. Sit next to the playground at night and encourage the black lungs. A family slides down. Blacken the lungs and watch. "Watch out! I am gonna slide!" Sliding happens. Blackening happens. Communication does not happen, and me? I am in all black. I am in all black. Escape to screen world. Escape leads to more pain. Knowledge is powerful pain. Communication happens, and me? I am in all black. I am in all black. Fountains spring in every direction. My eyes? They are the head. Assigned to you is every bad and good thing. Not obvious? My head will assign. There you are. There you are. There you are. Here you are. Here you are. Here you are. Oh. There you are again! A full head and a strained heart. I made a friend! My friend is leaving. I made a relationship. My relationship is over! A thousand good things are gone! The only great thing is gone. | | Wednesday, November 11th, 2009 | | 10:22 am |
I don't exist. I simply forgot is all. Everything is better now. Now. Now. Now. | | Monday, October 26th, 2009 | | 9:19 pm |
Soon I will be in New Orleans. I will probably stay there. Objections? | | Tuesday, October 6th, 2009 | | 10:47 pm |
I miss my best friend a lot | | Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 | | 11:56 pm |
Scientists are like apples | | Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 | | 2:35 pm |
While being in biosynthesis of macromolecules, insights are abound, and abound are insights, and all scientific reality begins to demonstrate itself to be lesser than it itself claims. Eyes closed, and listening silently while focusing on a breath, the science starts to become clear; not the content of the science, but, again, the science itself. The order of the macrocosmos appears to approach higher complexity somewhat counter-intuitively given that observation of energy states dictates what should be decay rather than growth. Mass and energy are equivalent simply because mass and energy as entities do not exist. (Oh great, another daoist rant, but really maybe no yes?) By exist, it is meant that there is no individual mass, and there is no individual energy, and quantized states are based only upon a sentient being's attempt at experiencing the unexperiencable. Unexperience is the foundation of the modern age, and it is only appropriate that awareness seems to be increasing as the construct begins to collapse in on itself with, very paradoxically, the construct itself being the vector for its own collapse. Project consciousness in; project consciousness out. (The term universe is meaningless, and all further mention of existence will be referred to as the multiverse. The universe implies a single entity. There is no independent existence, but instead a continuous plastic polymer better referred to as the multiverse: a sum of all membranes of the universal projection.) There exists no independent observer, but only one observer. The multiverse is its own observer. The multiverse itself exists because a multitude of perturbations from observation led to certain wavefunction collapses which preferred matter over anti-matter (or otherwise, as within the multiversal chain there are surely portions made up entirely of anti-matter or other forms of 'exotic matter,' any arbitrary designation will do), but again it is important to note all of this discussion is completely and entirely stuck on form. The multiverse itself is an illusion propagated by the multiverse observer, the universal vibration, the aum, god, brahman, zoroaster, the dao, ad nauseam. Form is abound because perturbation projected sentient beings that projected out: form! form! form! If form is projected out, then again, form is projected in and more form is abound until the multiverse is simply saturated with the illusion of form. Form emerges and gains complexity (as opposed to the decay mentioned earlier) as a result of evolution. Evolution is the stream of perturbation resulting from the multiverse observing itself. The universal vibration oscillates on the same frequency as evolution, and evolution oscillates on the same frequency as the universal vibration. (Listen to cicadas if you want to hear it). Understand that there is not a really good word for what is meant by frequency. Frequency refers to the constant perturbation caused by multiverse observing itself. At any moment the vibration is constant, and unchanging, and it is not easy to understand something being both dynamic and static simultaneously, and this is exactly the nature of it. To again sample daoism: the duality is an illusion. Dynamic is constantly chasing static and static constantly chasing dynamic to bring about one single constant state, but it is not that the constant state is formed from the combination of dynamic and constant but instead that dynamic and constant are projected in and projected out due to the multiverse's observation of itself. Form and complexity emerge, driven by evolution which is on the same wavelength as the universal vibration, but there are no individual time points only a single moment that seems to change just like how the frequency represents a wavefunction moving up and down seeming to change, but there is no change, and there is no other moment. Complexity is abound because sentient beings project complexity out, and therefore complexity is projected back in. Project consciousness in, project consciousness out, project consciousness in, project consciousness out. | | Friday, September 11th, 2009 | | 12:36 am |
I'm getting stuck on getting stuck stuck stuck stuck on stuck stuck stuck | | Tuesday, August 11th, 2009 | | 7:20 pm |
Hi I have a BS in Biochemistry. | | Tuesday, August 4th, 2009 | | 4:42 pm |
Oh psychiatry in America...
Results The rate of antidepressant treatment increased from 5.84% (95% confidence interval [CI], 5.47-6.23) in 1996 to 10.12% (9.58-10.69) in 2005 (ARR, 1.68; 95% CI, 1.55-1.81), or from 13.3 to 27.0 million persons. Significant increases in antidepressant use were evident across all sociodemographic groups examined, except African Americans (ARR, 1.13; 95% CI, 0.89-1.44), who had comparatively low rates of use in both years (1996, 3.61%; 2005, 4.51%). Although antidepressant treatment increased for Hispanics (ARR, 1.75; 95% CI, 1.60-1.90), it remained comparatively low (1996, 3.72%; 2005, 5.21%). Among antidepressant users, the percentage of patients treated for depression did not significantly change (1996, 26.25% vs 2005, 26.85%; ARR, 0.95; 95% CI, 0.83-1.07), although the percentage of patients receiving antipsychotic medications (5.46% vs 8.86%; ARR, 1.77; 95% CI, 1.31-2.38) increased and those undergoing psychotherapy declined (31.50% vs 19.87%; ARR, 0.65; 95% CI, 0.56-0.72). Conclusions From 1996 to 2005, there was a marked and broad expansion in antidepressant treatment in the United States, with persisting low rates of treatment among racial/ethnic minorities. During this period, individuals treated with antidepressants became more likely to also receive treatment with antipsychotic medications and less likely to undergo psychotherapy. http://archpsyc.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/66/8/848Is it really the case that 1/10 of America is truly clinically depressed? Holy fucking misery. | | Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 | | 1:26 pm |
My Jung Typology test result (according to internets) has been INTP for about 10 years now. How boringly consistent. | | Friday, July 17th, 2009 | | 6:19 pm |
| | Wednesday, July 15th, 2009 | | 4:11 pm |
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